Being a mother - what it has taught me
Are you all scared with that ambitious title, don't be. These are not trade secrets, just asides that we tend to ponder over on lazy Saturday afternoons.
Lazy Saturday afternoon, what?! - Did I just say 'lazy' and 'afternoon' in the same sentence, that too one after the other?! I must have been hallucinating. Such things cease to exist the moment you become a mother (or probably when you are pregnant). Really, the chores keep increasing, and I am not talking just about the household ones, but the baby-related ones, personal ones, professional ones, what not. So, what do you do when you desperately need a lazy Saturday afternoon? Have one, ignore the chores for some time and laze around, or crotchet, or catch a movie, or chat with your it-has-been-two-years-since-I-spoke-to-you friend, or a million other things that you want to do. Or, you can be simple, just sleep. I swear, taking an afternoon off is easier said than done.
Odor desensitized - It is not just the pee, poo, and spit (I haven't graduated yet to smelly socks, can't wait!). There would be that tiniest bit of subji coated roti piece that you gave your baby the previous week and which you thought he/she finished up like an angel, but which you would discover in that little nook right next to the showcase which can't be reached by your broom, but by your nose. And did I mention how it would not resemble a roti piece anymore? After all, it was regurgitated and spit up you see...
Who is that clown, oh yeah, me! - Need to do funny faces? Sing in a falsetto? Dance like no one's watching (heck, I ensure no one's watching!)? Play hide-and-seek until you are tired of it? Read the same book million times? Sing the same song a billion times? Anything, anything to ensure that your eardrums don't give up on you.
Need a candid, ask me - Who needs Professional photographers! Behind every successful picture of my baby laughing and giving a cute pose are hundreds of rejected pictures. You have no clue, how much a child can resist being photographed, or when they become more aware it is even more difficult to get a picture in which they don't pose. You really, really learn to capture moments. Not just in the camera, when you sit and think for a moment and realize that time is running way more faster than you want it to (and sometimes not just fast enough), you learn to capture those moments in your heart too.
Selective hearing - Did I mention about my eardrums failing on me? Well, yeah, it happens. So, to save your ears from all the shrieking, crying (I want that knife right now, my life depends on tearing that important piece of paper and eating it, I need you to sing that song the 87690238909th time kind of tears), sounds of toys (you have no clue how annoying they can be. There is only so much of row row row your boat, you can listen to), sounds of vessels clashing (yes, it doesn't matter how much you spent on that new toy, nothing beats the good old vessels), did I mention crying, sounds of the toys thrown on the floor (and trying not to imagine cleaning them up, again), you need to learn to selectively hear things. You have to just tune out, there is absolutely nothing else to do.
Dubbing for a monster - Remember that incompetent ex-boss shouting at you for something that was not your mistake? The rage you felt then is nothing compared to what your child can induce in you (the same child who can make you so happy that you would burst with it). Children are capable of giving you the extremes of emotions, sometimes conflicting ones right over each other. So, when that rage hits you, you would be shocked to know that you can effortlessly dub for the ghost in Exorcist in your native language. And if for a moment you think your child will be scared of you, yes they will be, only for a moment. It doesn't work after that. That monster voice is actually to calm yourself down - telling (read, lying) yourself that you have indeed gotten your child's attention and given your piece of mind, you can regain your peace (which will probably last for the next two minutes).
Make way, Houdini! - It is indeed a pity that no one asked Houdini to put his child to sleep and leave the room without the child waking up. If they had, he would have surrendered. Did you know that once you become a mother your body has sensors which alerts the baby? Yes, it is true, I swear! You practice your escape and then the baby will learn how you do it. And you would have to hatch a new plan, and well, it goes on.
Multitasking - Putting your child to sleep and texting your friend in Whatsapp is just the beginning. You will learn to make dosa, sing rhymes and keep swatting that little hand which is trying to reach the stove top all at the same time.
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